Do You Suffer From The Imposter Syndrome?
Some of the people we coach, who are leaders in their own right – most of whom work in the tech industry either directly or as joint venture partners – tell us they feel like imposters. They know it’s strange. They acknowledge that there’s no real legitimate reason for it. But they still feel like they can’t quite own the success they’ve achieved.
Sometimes it’s easier to understand if someone never went to college, or didn’t graduate from college and yet they are now managing people who have PhDs in Computer Science or Data Analysis. But many times, if not most of the time, people who struggle with the Imposter Syndrome – no matter their education, professional experience, or even their age – simply can’t stand solidly within their very real accomplishments and feel like rightful owners.
Ep.116 ~ Do You Suffer from The Imposter Syndrome ~ TRANSCRIPT
Judith:
Some of the people we coach, who are leaders in their own right – most of whom work in the tech sector – tell us they feel like imposters. They know it’s strange, they acknowledge that there’s no real legitimate reason for it – but they still feel like they can’t quite own the success they’ve achieved.
Jim:
Sometimes it’s easier to understand – when someone never went to college, or didn’t graduate from college – and now they are managing people who have PhDs in Computer Science or Data Analysis.
Judith:
But many times, if not most of the time, people who struggle with the Imposter Syndrome, no matter their education, professional experience, or even their age, simply can’t stand solidly within their very real accomplishments and feel like rightful owners.
Hi I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
We welcome you to another in our “Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous” podcast series.
Jim:
And today we’re exploring what is often called The Imposter Syndrome. The online Dictionary describes this as:
“Anxiety or self-doubt that results from persistently undervaluing one’s competence and active role in achieving success, while falsely attributing one’s accomplishments to luck or other external forces.”
Judith:
Now that definition applies mostly to the workplace, but what about your personal life? Do you feel like you “lucked out” in being able to snag the person you married? Perhaps you feel like you constantly need to prove you deserve to be within your friendship circle, with thoughts like “I don’t’ belong here with these people, how did I get here?” So, you’re fearful that one day, some fateful day in the future, they’ll find you out and you’ll be excluded.
Jim:
A really good volley ball player told us he felt like an imposter when people praised him because he’d never taken lessons, and it was just Sunday beach volley ball—and besides it just came naturally.
Judith:
Jim:
At a minimum we hope you can claim your rightful ownership of all that you are, especially all of your accomplishments.
Judith:
Now you may not use the term “Imposter Syndrome” – you may never have heard the term. BUT you may still feel like you are in some way posturing – whether in work, your social life, your finances, physical appearance, or anything else. And that “posturing” – in whatever form – is much like The Imposter Syndrome – no matter what you call it.
Jim:
Let’s use a non-work example of intentionally being an imposter. Are you aware that on dating sites – it’s estimated that between 18-35 percent of both women and men lie about everything from their age to their height? Many people who are married even lie about their marital status and say they are single.
Judith:
Think about it – these people are unable to live within their own actual reality – even when they know they will be found out – like age or height – should a relationship go forward beyond texting, email, or phone calls. These people believe they have to falsify their essential biographies in order to be appealing.
Take a look at this example. Years ago we had a client who – while already a professional attorney – believed he had to provide quite an extraordinary impression in order to attract the type of woman he desired.
So before his dates he would rent a Rolls Royce, or a Bentley, or a Ferrari. He would then take his dates to dinner at exclusive and extremely expensive restaurants to expand on his image as wealthy and therefore highly appealing as a husband. Later, this backfired. Because his wife saw no reason to help with their finances, no need to contribute any of her income to their joint economy. During their one and only counseling session with us, before she filed for divorce, she told him, “I married you in large part because you appeared to be very wealthy and I could depend on you to support me. I enjoy using my money on designer shoes and handbags and I’m not about to change.”
Jim:
Back to the workplace. We’ve seen many executives who feel like they “gamed” their way to the top. They play down their education, and their career achievements. This can start by never mentioning where they did their graduate work. It could be Harvard Business School, MIT, Stanford, London School Of Business, or Oxford University in England but they avoid ever bringing it up.
Judith:
What are we seeing in all these people who are not able to BE the fabulous people they actually are? Yes! They actually are terrific, outstanding, exemplary! But they cannot own, accept, and BE it – in their own honest and truthful reality. Think about all of the famous people who have consciously or accidentally killed themselves. It’s the same thing. They could not own and live within their magnificent and outstanding reality – separate and apart from everyone else.
Jim:
So, if you find yourself, in any way, feeling like who you are, who you actually are, isn’t good enough, or needs to be kept hidden from others – either way you can’t fully own who you are and what you’ve accomplished — and you feel like an “imposter” – we urge you to look back into your early family programming to see where you might have picked up what we call “holdbacks”.
Judith:
For example, did anyone in your family:
* Regularly embellish their income, social status, other accomplishments like golf scores, time spent at the gym, or even lie about meeting important people?
* Or perhaps they went out of their way to play down the significance of their skills or accomplishments – like my grandfather who built one of a kind designer homes in Palm Springs California in the 1950’s and talked about it as if it were a hobby—consequently I have no idea where he got the financing or how he met the top grade designers that he worked with. Certainly he and my grandmother didn’t live like they had money, nor did they ever talk about what prompted my grandfather to become a builder.
* And now back to you, when you came home with terrific grades, a starring role in the school play, voted a team leader in football, basketball, or any other sport – were you instructed to not talk about it with your cousins or the neighbors – that you should protect them from feeling jealous or inferior?
Jim:
Our objective here is for you to dismantle anything and everything that blocks your full ownership of who you really are – so you can truly overcome the fear of being fabulous!
Judith:
Really dig into this issue. Know there is plenty of pay dirt waiting for you when you unravel anything that causes you to feel you are an imposter!
Jim:
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Judith:
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Jim:
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Judith:
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Jim:
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Judith:
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Jim:
Yes! Do it! And we look forward to being with you next time!
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