How much do you focus on what other people think of you?
Do you cater to others’ opinions – whether it’s about music, work, health, politics, the latest film, or where to go on your next vacation – rather than owning your own perspective?
In this podcast we’re inviting you to examine – for yourself – what’s known as the difference between Internal vs External Locus of Control. In other words, where do you look to determine your value? Out there in other people’s opinions, style, or habits? Or inside yourself?
Ep.118 ~Is Your Sense of Self Internal or External? ~ TRANSCRIPT
Judith:
How much do you focus on what other people think of you?
Jim:
Do you cater to others’ opinions—whether it’s about music, work, health, politics, the latest film, or where to go on your next vacation—rather than owning your own perspective?
Judith:
Today we’re inviting you to examine, for yourself, what’s known as the difference between Internal vs External Locus of Control.
Jim:
In other words, where do you look to determine your value? Out there in other people’s opinions, style, or habits? Or inside yourself?
Hi I’m Judith Sherven, and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
We’re best known as Judith & Jim, and we’re a married PhD psychology team.
Jim:
We currently work as an executive coaching team for tech companies.
Judith:
And we’ve put the heart of our work online as a 12-part personal workshop which you can check out at OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com along with a video that we’ve created just for you entitled “You are a Miracle”. Go there and find out how you are a miracle and check out the Personal Workshop.
Jim:
Okay now, let’s go back to the question we already raised. How do you determine your value? From the perspective we’re addressing today, how much do you care about what other people think of you?
Judith:
External Locus of Control, as it’s called, can refer to external events like the weather, luck, or even the day of the week, as they may affect how well you’re going to do—say on a job interview, or a test, or getting that adorable dog you saw at the animal shelter the other day. But today we’re only looking at how much you base your own value on how other people react to you, or even how you perceive they are reacting to you.
Jim:
Internal Locus of Control, on the flip side, always refers to how much you count on yourself in valuing your achievements and, in your opinion, of your-self.
Judith:
You see, it’s very difficult to overcome the fear of being fabulous when you’re concerned about what others think about you. When that’s the case, you’ll be worried that if you develop greater self-confidence other people will think you’re arrogant, self-centered, full of yourself. And that worry will stop you in your tracks.
Jim:
On the other hand, when you rely on your own opinion of yourself, without ignoring how others react to you, then you can increasingly look to your own Internal Locus of Control to guide how you live your life.
Judith:
Let’s assume you’re going to give a presentation at work next week. Imagine it in your own mind. First of all, how do you think about what you’re going to wear? Are you worried about what others might think if you wear your favorite sweater that’s become a little baggie? Might they think you’re being sloppy and unprofessional? Or do you feel solid that your delivery will be polished and well grounded, and people will either ignore your sweater or think it’s just like you to not take your appearance too seriously? Or you simply don’t care what they think about your sweater, you like it and it works and that’s that?
Jim:
With regard to the presentation itself, how much of your attention is focused on impressing everyone, catering to the presentation style your manager enjoys? Or is your attention focused on the type of presentation that you believe will provide the clearest evidence for your point of view? Are you catering to others? Or are you staying true to your own assessment of what is needed? Either way we trust you are remaining within the bounds of professional conduct.
Judith:
The main point for us is that we don’t want you to give yourself away like the attorney’s false advertising with fancy cars that we mentioned in a previous podcast. We don’t want you stuck in an external locus of control guiding your choices, yammering at you that you dare not stand out for fear of upsetting others.
Jim:
So pay attention to when you find yourself thinking anything like: “If I do that they’ll think I’m too bold;” “If I break up with the person I’m seeing my friends will think I’m a loser;” “If I ask for a promotion, my boss will ignore me;” “If I go to Paris instead of the family holiday dinner everyone will hate me;” “If I drop out of the after-work- rugby-game, they’ll think I hate them;” — or anything like that.
Judith:
When you have an internal voice that yammers at you like that, you can be sure that you are being guided by an External Locus of Control, and it’s inhibiting how you can be alive in your own life.
Jim:
Yes, exactly. For example, all too often our clients tell us, in the first few sessions, that they “know” others think they are off track, ill-prepared for a specific project, not a good speaker, etc etc etc.
Judith:
So, they rarely speak up at team meetings and suffer from the desire to be promoted while not having the confidence to demonstrate what it takes to get there. With our help, they learn to change from worried about what others think, to focused on their own determination so they can assert their excellence in their own way.
Jim:
So now, going forward in your life—pay attention to where you give your focus about your own value, your own lifestyle, your own decisions.
Judith:
If you are firmly rooted in your own value on your own terms—Bravo! You are living within your own Internal Locus of Control.
Jim:
But if you pretty regularly look outside yourself to see how others are responding to you, or you imagine how they are responding, and you’re in the habit of changing your behavior to better fit with who they are, then we urge you to reconsider.
Judith:
Yes, we’re aware, acutely aware, that you may have learned this behavior in childhood, molding yourself to fit in with the emotional culture of your family. We deeply respect that you may have even been punished for trying to be a free spirit, attempting to launch yourself into your own ideas of how to be in the world, in school, with your friends.
Jim:
But your life now belongs to you. Yes, it does!
Judith:
As we’ve said, with an External Locus of Control you are always emotionally under the thumb of other people, cut off from your ability to fully express who you are. And this can warp and distract from how you behave in your romantic relationship, your friendships, your work life, and your career.
Jim:
We trust that you can see how when you take back ownership of your value on your own terms, you become ever-more free to be all that you are. In other words, the freedom to be fabulous.
Judith:
That is our wish for you! That is why we invite you to listen to all of our podcasts and also to take advantage of our “Overcoming The Fear of Being Fabulous” 12-part personal workshop, with 12 hours of original and often participatory content available at OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com
Jim:
Be sure to get subscribed for our bite-sized podcasts at iTunes! …
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