Do you have permission to express anger?
We ask because one of our podcast listeners asked that we provide an episode about anger — the freedom to express anger.
She said there are so many times that she feels angry, whether in her love relationship or at work, but she can’t find the internal permission to express it.
Now this is a very bright, educated, successful woman, and she knows it doesn’t serve her career or her relationship to hold back when she feels angry.
So today we’re going to unpack the fear of being furious! Well, actually not the fear of BEING furious, instead it’s the fear of EXPRESSING your fury, whether that be in just disagreeing with people, exposing flaws in their logic, or whatever it might be!
Ep.119 ~ Permission To Get Angry ~ TRANSCRIPT
Jim:
One of our podcast listeners asked that we provide an episode about anger — the freedom to express anger.
Judith:
She said there are so many times that she feels angry, whether in her love relationship or at work, but she can’t find the internal permission to express it.
Jim:
Now this is a very bright, educated, successful woman, and she knows it doesn’t serve her career or her relationship to hold back when she feels angry.
Judith:
So today we’re going to unpack the fear of being furious! Well, actually not the fear of BEING furious, instead it’s the fear of EXPRESSING your fury!
Jim:
While you may not have trouble expressing your fury, what about any difficulty disagreeing with people, or exposing flaws in the other person’s logic—or difficulty expressing whatever it may be?
Hi I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
If you’re just joining us, we’re a married PhD psychology team and executive coaches for a variety of companies.
Jim:
And we’re the best-selling authors of eight books on a variety of topics.
Judith:
And most important we care deeply about the issue of helping people Overcome The Fear Of Being Fabulous — which we both had to work on and know the issue inside and out!
Jim:
Okay — why do so many people have trouble expressing their anger – especially at their parents, lovers, friends, siblings, and people at work?
Judith:
We know from the many relationship workshops we’ve provided in the past, when we surveyed people about how their parents expressed anger—how their parents fought with each other—about half witnessed their parents fighting as very destructive, vicious, ugly, screaming, breaking dishes, and often hitting each other or worse.
Jim:
The other half never saw their parents fight. The atmosphere in their homes was overly polite, overly careful, avoiding anything that could erupt in a fight.
Judith:
So to be fair and respectful to anyone listening who is what we might call “fight-phobic” — we understand — you came to your avoidance of anger from all those growing up years with parents who never showed you role-modeling of what a self-respectful seriously angry fight could be like—between two people who genuinely love each other.
Jim:
So now you have to give yourself permission to learn how — now at whatever age you are. Yes, now.
Judith:
Okay now let’s start by getting something important out on the table. When you express anger, when you get furious, whoever you are yelling at is unlikely to just lie down and take it. In fact, get ready for an out and out fight.
Jim:
And chances are good that your relationship is in need of this kind of what is sometimes called “clearing the air.”
Judith:
AND, know that if you can’t trust your relationship to weather the storm, then you probably don’t have a very solid relationship—no matter what type of relationship it is.
Jim:
Yes, if you are walking on eggshells, as it’s often called, avoiding expressing your anger, then know that what you are protecting is probably not worth much — not really.
Judith:
Or, another way to look at it — is that you’re not willing to test the relationship. You’re not willing to discover what it’s really made of. In fact, you may be hanging on to a fantasy about the relationship — and getting angry could bust the fantasy wide open.
Jim:
Here’s the truth. If you want to be loved and/or respected for who you really are—great! We applaud your desire to live in reality. And that requires allowing yourself to express your anger and see what happens.
Judith:
Now, we’re not encouraging you to fight dirty, call the other person names, storm off leaving the other person stuck with nowhere to go in fighting back.
Jim:
We ARE encouraging you to learn to express your anger respectfully, fairly — expressing your side of the situation, AND listening to what the other person has to say in return.
Judith:
For example, Jim and I still after 33 years together – we still get into the anger muddle. And when we are on our game, whoever’s mad might start by saying something like: “I need to speak with you. I’m really mad about — whatever it is – and I need you to hear me out.”
Jim:
And, as Judith said, when we’re on our game the other person will say, “Okay, what is it?” And I will listen as keenly as possible for how Judith was hurt, embarrassed, felt dismissed, whatever.
Judith:
And sometimes the other person will get angry and start to fight back – as long as we both stay on point — we’re good. Then it’s ok if we raise our voices and even stomp our feet (that’s me).
Jim:
And as the issues get expressed, on both sides, we try very hard to listen to each other, while not giving up our own point of view unless we realize we were out of line. And then we have to apologize, because we never want to hurt one another. But of course, it happens sometimes.
Judith:
The key is for both points of view to get expressed AND for both people’s feelings to be expressed. AND for both people to listen as well as express themselves.
Jim:
Before we wrap this up for now, here’s the key question: Do you want to be loved, respected, and known for who you really are — all that you are?
Judith:
Or do you want to remain in hiding, afraid to be who you truly are. Never sure how people truly feel about you?
Jim:
It’s your choice, of course. BUT we hope and trust that you’ll vote for being all that you can be. And that includes showing your anger when it’s needed in order to get clear with someone about what you feel and who you are!
Judith:
And to get at the truth of your relationships! With that — we trust you’ll be all that you can be in order to overcome the fear of being fabulous! Go for it! Until next time.
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