“Oh I can’t leave it behind. It’s part of who I’ve always been.”
If you started at the beginning of our podcast series, you heard us mention “The Love Grip” Today we’re going to dig into a deeper definition of “The Love Grip”, how it’s created, and why it’s so often difficult to leave behind. In fact, when some people understand that they are caught in The Love Grip and that’s what has been holding them back, they are shocked to hear themselves say, “Oh I can’t leave it behind. It’s part of who I’ve always been.”
Yes, the Love Grip can feel so much a part of you that for some people it’s very difficult to release.
As a married psychology team we’ve been exploring and working with people about issues that relate to “The Love Grip” for over 30 years. And we know that it can touch right into the depths of what’s been holding you back in any area of your life.
Ep.121 ~ Revisiting the Love Grip ~ TRANSCRIPT
Judith:
Revisiting The Love Grip
If you started at the beginning of our podcast series, you heard us mention “The Love Grip” as part of the language we’ve developed to discuss various elements of The Fear Of Being Fabulous.
Jim:
So today we’re going to dig into a deeper definition of The Love Grip, how it’s created and why it’s so often difficult to leave behind.
Judith:
In fact, when some people understand that they are caught in The Love Grip and that’s what has been holding them back, they’re shocked to hear themselves say, “Oh I can’t leave it behind. It’s part of who I’ve always been.”
Jim:
Yes, the Love Grip can feel so much a part of you that it’s difficult to release it – very difficult for some people. Because it’s a set pattern of behaviors and feelings that were developed when you were very young – and they reside in the unconscious.
Hi I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Jim:
As a married psychology team we’ve been exploring and working with people about issues that relate to “The Love Grip” for over 30 years. And we know that it can touch right into the depths of what’s been holding you back in any area of your life.
Judith:
As an Executive Coaching team, we’ve been on retainer for several years at both LinkedIn and Credit Karma and have numerous other tech companies as clients as well. And we can assure you that people at every stage of their careers can be caught up and held back by The Love Grip.
Jim:
So here’s a simple definition. Think about when you were born and the first 7-11 years of your life. What was your family’s emotional atmosphere like?
Judith:
You see, during that time, between birth and ages 7-11, a child’s brain hasn’t developed enough to allow for any type of analysis or reasoning about what is going on. Everything is taken in as the unquestioned and unquestionable nature of reality. It’s taken in as family, as love, and as what it means to belong, no matter how dysfunctional and abusive your family may actually have been.
Jim:
You see, it’s only between ages 7-11, that period known as The Age of Reason, that the human brain has grown sufficiently to allow for the possibility of analyzing and assessing what is going on around the person, and how they’re being treated.
Judith:
Now think about it. The individual has all those prior unquestioned years of experience with their family that they call “the truth”. And they are unable to question it at all, unless they get into therapy or work with a program like you are doing right now with this podcast.
Jim:
So this is why, for example, over and over again we hear from clients how they can’t ask their managers for a well-deserved promotion, a new role in the business, or for much needed additional head count in order to meet an important deadline.
Judith:
And why? Some people say “Because that would seem too pushy or aggressive.” Others think it would make them look “needy.” And still others are worried it will make them appear “overly ambitious.”
Jim:
They might struggle to speak up enough at team meetings even though they’ve earned a Sr Director title or even Vice President.
Judith:
And bottom line, these kinds of “holdbacks” are almost always the result of the unconscious Love Grip. The emotional attachment to their childhood programming ruling the day, even today. And it can apply to lots of situations where the objective is to stand one’s ground and you find yourself caving in, going along, being nice.
Perhaps in your personal life it shows up when you want to tell your parents you’re not coming home for the holidays, or you want to tell your neighbor to stop putting their trash into your bin, or you want to tell the person you’re dating or married to that you want a more equal relationship, in whatever form that might take. And even though you need to do something like this, you don’t.
Jim:
So what is it that causes such a strong internal pull to NOT go after what you want or even need?
Judith:
Here’s our first question for you: What were the messages or role models in your early family life that could have influenced you to develop such a serious holdback? After all, when you were a tiny one you certainly cried out or yelled when you were hungry, or needed your diaper changed.
Jim:
We ask you, now as an adult, what memories come to mind related to when and how you might have had to learn to hold back on your important desires?
Judith:
This is why we call the source of the problem The Love Grip! It’s that deep unconscious tie to how you were raised and the people who raised you that was all called love — and now that “love” has a grip on you—an unconscious grip.
Jim:
Take a moment now and think about an area of your current adult life that you wish was different. As you think about it, how are you feeling? What is the emotion attached to your feelings around this issue?
Judith:
Your pain, upset, or disappointment could be about anything from your romantic life or the lack of it, your work life, friendships, financial issues, health, physical appearance, you name it.
Jim:
As you think about it, notice how you are feeling. Anxious? Angry? Sad? Frustrated? Bewildered? Lost? Or maybe even disgusted or fed up with life.
Judith:
Good. We hope your frustration or unhappiness will motivate you to go on a deeper journey with us. Yes, we’re inviting you to take a memory visit back to your early growing up years.
Jim:
Now if you’re driving or riding a bike or motorcycle or doing anything where getting distracted could be dangerous, please stop listening until you’re safely on solid ground.
Judith:
Otherwise—ready? Good!
So here’s what we ask you to do. Take yourself back in your imagination to the family environment you grew up in, say before the age of 10.
Jim:
What was it like then? Can you feel it? If you’re having trouble, don’t worry you can revisit this experience any time you want.
Judith:
So we hope you have a felt sense of what it was like back then, and if so begin to feel into your ways of managing and maneuvering that atmosphere in order to stay as safe as possible. What we’re hoping you can begin to sense is how the family atmosphere held a grip on who you could be. Were you punished for speaking up, disagreeing with someone? Were you spanked for having your own opinion contrary to the adults? Were you sent to your room if you didn’t finish your dinner, even if you weren’t hungry or you didn’t like something? And anything like this that occurred, usually in the name of loving you.
Jim:
Even if you went the rebellious route, keep in mind that the power base still didn’t belong to you, but one or more adults in your home. And you were navigating against them or around them. But they still held the power.
Judith:
And most often when we ask people about those family situations, the answer will be some form of “But I loved them.” And yes, most people feel some kind of love for the people who raised them. AND THEN, in their adult lives they unconsciously still find themselves playing “the good boy” or “the sweet girl” and can’t break out of the manner in which they coped with “loving their family”.
Jim:
Then, later in life, they are mystified as to why they are blocked from the kind of success they see others having, no matter in what areas of life their disappointment exists. And even when their adult selves create true success, their inner child tears it down with ideas about being an imposter, a fake, or a phony!
Judith:
From the way we look at it, psychologically and emotionally, they are locked into what we call The Love Grip — with the deep unconscious love of a child controlling how they now behave in adulthood.
Jim:
You see most people, unless they’ve been in good quality therapy, never allow themselves to analyze and question who they learned to be in their growing up homes.
Judith:
And until you release yourself from the unconscious power of The Love Grip, you’ll continue to feel mystified by obstacles and frustrations that make no logical sense.
Jim:
So when you have some private time to further investigate your memories, your feelings from childhood, and how they are still effecting you now — look for any and all loyalties, prohibitions, taken-for-granted beliefs, feelings that are especially sentimental — and write them down.
Judith:
And then begin to examine where you see their after-effects showing up in your adult life, holding you back, or consistently taking you in wrong directions.
Jim:
And if you’re ready to dig even more deeply into “Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous, be sure to take yourself through our 12-part personal workshop that is available in audio download (or CD collection), plus full transcripts, and it’s priced to appeal to anyone.
Available at OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com/workshop
Judith:
You’ll be glad you did!
Jim:
We look forward to the next time!
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