Do you even dare do it?
When you eat out, do you feel comfortable returning dishes or drinks that weren’t prepared like you ordered? Do you even dare do it?
We’ve talked with so many people who told us they were horrified at the thought of sending back a well-done hamburger when they ordered rare; or limp bacon when they ordered super crispy; or a malt that’s delivered ahead of your meal when you specified that you wanted it with your meal and not before.
Even when we point out that they are paying for something they specified to be made a certain way, they shake their head and are clearly unable to be in charge of themselves in this regard. So today we are digging into the blocks that prevent speaking up in your own defense!
Ep.125 ~ Speaking Up In Your Own Defense ~ TRANSCRIPT
Judith:
When you eat out, do you feel comfortable returning dishes or drinks that weren’t prepared like you ordered? Do you even dare do it?
Jim:
We’ve talked with so many people who told us they were horrified at the thought of sending back a well done hamburger when they ordered rare, or limp bacon when they ordered super crispy, or a malt that’s delivered ahead of your meal when you specified that you wanted it with your meal and not before.
Judith:
Even when we point out that they are paying for something they specified to be made a certain way, they shake their head and are clearly unable to be in charge of themselves in this regard. No surprise when we ask how they were raised around this issue, every one of them has said some version of “my parents would never do it” or “I don’t’ know people who do that.”
Jim:
Some people have told us they’ve never returned anything to a store—a shirt they didn’t really like once they got it home, a watermelon that was super mushy once they cut it open, one woman even told us she’d never returned an expensive rain coat after the color ran in the first rain. It was red and the color ran onto a white sweater underneath.
Judith:
Why would people NOT do such an easy thing as file their complaint with their waiter and have their food order made right, or return an item that the store will readily issue a refund or make good on in some other way? You guessed it — that’s how they were raised.
Jim:
So think about how you were raised to think about this issue of speaking up in your own defense. And for now, we are only looking at issues related to eating out and buying things in stores or online.
Judith:
We haven’t even waded into the muddy waters of speaking up in your defense in the work place regarding a conflict of ideas, or feeling mistreated somehow by your workmate, your spouse, a date, or a friend. We’ll tackle those arenas in a future podcast.
Jim:
So back to eating out—especially if you’re spending a bunch of money, and/or purchasing expensive things in stores, or online. What beliefs were you told, and/or what did you see your family do or not do around these issues?
Judith:
When I think about it, my Dad gave a mixed message. Anything we gave him as gifts, if he didn’t like them for some reason—like shirts, socks, ties, jackets etc—he’d put them away in the back corner of his closet and eventually give them to the Goodwill or some other charity. But never would he take anything back to either get a refund or exchange them for things he liked, which I wish he’d done. On the other hand, I remember being impressed when I was around 13 and the family went to an Italian place for spaghetti and the garlic toast arrived cold. And my Dad respectfully requested that the waiter replace it with hot garlic toast.
Jim:
And no doubt the waiter apologized and replaced it without any fuss. Yes?
Judith:
Yes, and not only that, we all received ice cream on the house as an apology from the Manager. And certainly you and I have had that same experience several times when we’ve returned things that were improperly prepared—free dessert was provided to both of us as an apology.
Jim:
When we’ve asked people why they don’t speak up in restaurants or return things, all too often they say something like “I don’t want to make a fuss.” or “It’s not really a big deal, I can live with it.”
Judith:
The underlying problem is that when people do that to themselves, they are reinforcing that they don’t really count in the equation. The other person—the wait staff person, or the store or online retailer — they count. They get treated as having most importance—but not the person who is accepting less than optimal results from eating out or buying something.
Jim:
Can you see, can you feel, how this undermines your self-respect, your value in the world? We’re hoping you can feel it—at least a little bit.
Judith:
You know, every so often we hear from clients a kind of bemusement about others getting ahead in the world when they are still struggling to know what they want to do with their own career. And, to some large degree, it boils down to the freedom to take yourself seriously, knowing you have great value, and aiming toward the top.
Jim:
As you may have heard from us in prior episodes, neither of us knew how to take our acting work seriously enough to drive it to the top, to see ourselves having careers as actors. Instead, we both made good money, and we continually worked, going from one job to another.
Judith:
But neither of us had any role models in our families or friendship circles for building a career—in fact, the word ”career” was foreign to both of us. So it was pretty easy to walk away from acting and move on to something else.
Jim:
Why is this relevant to our topic today? Because back then neither of us would have returned an over-cooked hamburger, and consequently we didn’t know how to speak up for ourselves with our acting agents.
Judith:
It’s not that we didn’t know how — we didn’t know we should! And so we didn’t. So just because we’re talking about speaking up for yourself in a café or returning something to the store, that’s not the limit of the issue. …
Jim:
The issue is — can you speak up for yourself in all areas of your life — in your work life, your career, in your dating or marriage, in your friendships, with family members.
Judith:
You’ve no doubt heard it said in other ways, but if you can’t stand up for yourself, what makes you think others will treat you properly, kindly, with full value?
Jim:
So if you are in the habit of returning anything you’re not happy with, whether in a restaurant, a store, or online — bravo! We salute you and your self-respect that guides your actions!
Judith:
But if this is uncharted territory for you, then here’s our suggestion: to practice honoring who you are—to honor your value on this planet as a unique one of a kind person—watch our free 3-minute video “You Are A Miracle”, just go to https://OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com/miracle
Jim:
AND take it in, really take it in—that there has never before been anyone just like you—and there never will be. That’s right—there never will be.
Judith:
Your job on this planet is to be as fully YOU as you can be! And that means speaking up for yourself—in every situation where you matter!
Jim:
And with that, we send our support and encouragement! And we look forward to being with you next week!
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