How do you respond when you’re not …
It’s a certainty, a fact that there will always be disappointment in life. So the most important question is – how do you respond when you experience those shocks, hurts, and sometimes soul-draining, devastating events?
Do you collapse, feel like a victim, decide it’s too much to bear? Or do you experience the frustration, the pain and acknowledge that it is real, without covering it over with false humor or developing a stiff upper lip.
Because how you respond to being disappointed is either a recipe for gratitude and a life well-lived, or a deeply contaminated recipe for bitterness and the chronic experience of defeat — no matter the actual realities of your current life.
Ep.127 ~ How Well Do You Handle Disappointment? ~ TRANSCRIPT
Jim:
How Well Do You Handle Disappointment? It’s a certainty, a fact. There will always be disappointment in life.
Judith:
The most important question is – how do you respond when you experience those shocks, hurts, and sometimes soul-draining, devastating events?
Jim:
Do you collapse, feel like a victim, decide it’s too much to bear? Or do you experience the frustration, the pain, acknowledge that it is real, without covering it over with false humor or developing a stiff upper lip, proceed to live your life and all that’s required by the issue that disappoints you. AND not be done in by the pain of your life?
Hi I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
If you’re just joining us, we are a married psychology team – meaning we both have PhDs in psych, and we’re married to each other – since 1988, and our deep commitment is in helping you – and as many people as possible, in Overcoming The Fear of Being Fabulous!
Jim:
So after you finish listening to this podcast, make sure you are subscribed, and then begin listening from the beginning to get the full impact of our podcast collection – “Overcoming The Fear Of Being Fabulous” – with much more to come! And, of course, we’d love you to leave a review!
OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com/podcast
Judith:
Now back to Disappointment! Why? Because how you respond to being disappointed is either a recipe for gratitude and a life well-lived, or a deeply contaminated recipe for bitterness and the chronic experience of defeat — no matter the actual realities of your current life.
Jim:
So take a moment to answer these questions: How do you respond when you’re not invited to a friend’s get together and you don’t know why?
Judith:
What do you feel when you get a ticket for parking illegally or for overtime on the meter?
Jim:
When you’ve put a great deal of effort into a project – and then it doesn’t live up to your expectations, how do you feel?
Judith:
And what if you buy a new car, a car you’ve been wanting for quite some time, and in the very first week, someone runs a red light and crashes into you? You’re ok other than some whiplash, but your car will never be the same. NO matter the magic of the car restoration people, it will never again bring the joy of that pristine perfection that you’ve desired for years.
Jim:
The reason we’re asking you such a broad sweep of questions, from parking tickets to serious damage to your dream car, is that most people never analyze how they respond to loss and therefore the inevitable disappointments in life.
Judith:
The issue of feeling fabulous in who you are versus wallowing in disappointment and defeat; this issue significantly effects how you respond to disappointment!
Jim:
Why? Because when your “identity center” is contaminated by self-doubt, insecurity, fear of loss, and negative judgments about your value then life’s disappointments feel like just more aggravation or even disaster and personal defeat.
Judith:
But when you are in command of your value, how you are truly fabulous as you really are, then disappointments land on a solid core of your identity — as painful events in life that are normal and to some degree to be expected. But they are not devastating. And you do not feel like a victim or hopeless.
Jim:
Yes, you feel disappointed at not receiving an invitation to your friend’s get together—but you are not a victim. So you can either decide that the event wasn’t meant to include you or you call your friend to find out the reason (which could be an email lost in techie land).
Judith:
When you get a parking ticket, of course you’re annoyed, but you take responsibility for not reading the parking sign, or mis-reading it, or deciding to take your chances anyway for whatever reason. And you pay the fine and then forget about it.
Jim:
When a project you’ve put a great deal into doesn’t play out the way you imagined, you must honor the disappointment. Sure it feels crummy, maybe even lousy! BUT you don’t take it personally. The project is NOT you. Nor is the outcome a reflection of your value. You know that you gave it your best, and that’s all you can do.
Judith:
And when your brand-new dream car gets bashed in by a reckless perhaps drunk driver, of course you feel the pain of loss, the shock, the horror of it! And then after a while you remind yourself that you could have been killed, or crippled, or maimed in some terrible way. And you weren’t. So you honor your grief at losing the perfection of your new car AND go forward reminding yourself daily that you are grateful to be alive and whole!
Jim:
Now we want to be absolutely clear that what we’ve just outlined are only examples. They are meant to be descriptive, not the only way a mature adult responds in these types of situations.
Judith:
They are intended to paint a picture of potential responses that make it clear that when you have a strong sense of self – you do not have to be done in by life’s disappointments. You are still in possession of your own deep personal value.
Jim:
Then life isn’t dependent solely on positive events and outcomes. And you need not take it personally when you have to face into less than optimal events and results.
Judith:
So take a minute to review your relationship with disappointment.
— Are you able to remain in a relatively steady state, firm in your awareness and acceptance of the realities we all face here on planet Earth?
— Or are you rocked off your socks, thrown into emotional meltdown, when things don’t go well?
Jim:
The ability to remain in a relatively steady state indicates that your identity is grounded in the reality of being who you are. Who you really are—fabulously, uniquely you.
Judith:
But when you are done in by disappointment or loss – then we ask you to consider doing the inner work of more fully owning who you are.
Change your life — by changing your inner identity! This isn’t just theory. We’ve both done it and we’ve helped thousands of people change their lives by claiming their rightful identity. And you can too!
Jim:
You’ll be glad you did!
Judith:
Yes! Until next time.
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