This isn’t some kind of psycho-jargon.
It’s important to understand the specific terms Judith & Jim use to describe how The Fear Of Being Fabulous is created, how it’s maintained, and what’s involved in order for you to actually Overcome The Fear Of Being Fabulous.
This isn’t some kind of psycho-jargon. J & J’s specific terms emerged through the process of coaching and teaching people about The Fear Of Being Fabulous, and continually exploring their own experiences with it as well.
In this episode you’ll find out what “Allegiances” and Forbiddances” are all about. And you’ll also discover the dangers of “The Love Grip.” Get ready to compare your own experiences with what The Double Js will be sharing with you.
Ep.134 ~ Understanding the Terms We Use ~ TRANSCRIPT
Judith:
It’s important that you understand the specific terms we use to describe how The Fear Of Being Fabulous is created, how it’s maintained, and what’s involved in order for you to actually Overcome The Fear Of Being Fabulous.
Jim:
This isn’t some kind of psycho-jargon. Nor is it any kind of insider clap trap.
Judith:
Our specific terms emerged through the process of describing and writing about The Fear of Being Fabulous, and continually exploring our own experiences with FOBF as we call it.
Jim:
So, get ready to compare your own experiences with what we’ll be discussing.
Hi – I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
We welcome you to another in our Overcoming The Fear Of Being Fabulous podcasts. Today we’re giving you an understanding of the terms we use when we talk about The Fear of Being Fabulous.
Jim:
Yes, there are several important terms we use to describe how people unconsciously develop The Fear of Being Fabulous and what’s involved in Overcoming it.
Judith:
First – we’ll start with the term “fabulous” – because by “fabulous” we DON’T mean becoming a billionaire, or building the Taj Mahal, or climbing the tallest mountains on the planet. What we DO mean is being free to express your greatest gifts, your finest skills, and to live at the maximum level you desire – both emotionally and physically. As an example, Tom Brady, the all-time amazing Patriots quarterback, is truly fabulous at what he does.
Jim:
Most people suffer from what we call “Holdbacks”—Holdbacks are fears and self-doubts, beliefs and loyalties that prohibit you from functioning at your highest level. Holdbacks reveal themselves any time you feel shy, fearful, out of place, inadequate, anything that puts the breaks on your willingness to step further into your life – whether in your work or socially or personally.
For example, Whitney Houston suffered from internal holdbacks that deprived her of the freedom to fully embrace the success she achieved as the world’s most awarded female singer of all time.
Judith:
Holdbacks are most often the result of what we refer to as “Allegiances”. Allegiances are unconscious as well as conscious loyalties to how you were raised. In Whitney Houston’s case, we know from researching her life for our book “What Really Killed Whitney Houston” that she remained in allegiance to how she was raised throughout her short life (dying from what is considered an accidental overdose and drowning at 48). Her allegiances were to family – employing family members who never provided the professional skills needed for their jobs, staying her mother’s “little girl” right to the end.
Jim:
Now we are aware that Allegiances can work FOR you, rather than against you. If you have professional parents who encouraged your higher education and acted as role models for the larger professional life you could enjoy, terrific! That’s a real asset. But what we look for when we talk about the Fear of Being Fabulous are the Allegiances that are holding you back.
Judith:
Another term we use that fits here – is Forbiddances. Forbiddances are unconscious and conscious beliefs that something is not allowed – at least for you. For example, I didn’t get married until I was 44 – to Jim. And while my parents had overtly preached that I should marry, when Jim and I announced our engagement, and on several other occasions – it was clear from my parents’ behavior that they had actually wanted me to stay their loyal care-taking single daughter. So in my unconscious I actually had felt forbidden to marry. And it was only after I was beyond frustrated with being single seemingly forever, and finally meeting Jim, that I could break away from that internalized forbiddance of being married. And marry we did in 1988! And we’ve been happily working together as well as living together ever since.
Jim:
That brings to mind another term we use frequently—The Love Grip. You see, when each of us was a little person, way too little to be able to discriminate or judge how other people treated us, we felt love for the people who took care of us – and that’s most usually parents and sometimes older siblings. The fact is, the human brain isn’t actually capable of evaluating and making distinctions about how we are being treated until between the ages of 7-11.
So, during earlier years we develop many beliefs about how we are supposed to be—that go unexamined – and contaminate how we allow ourselves to live in later life. And when those largely unconscious loyalties get in the way of you living a more expansive life, we refer to that kind of loyalty as The Love Grip.
Judith:
Now Jim just mentioned the Unconscious. And that’s a term we use quite often. In fact, our concern about a lot of self-help and therapeutic orientations is that they don’t go deep enough to help people get at what is really causing their pain and frustrations. And we do mean DEEP – right into the unconscious mind. Bouncing off what Jim just said, it’s important to understand that everyone of us took in a lot of so-called “truths” when we were too little, when our brains were too undeveloped—to be able to evaluate whether what was being taught to us was actually correct for who we were.
Jim:
For instance – what did you learn about money before the age of 10? Not necessarily what was told to you – but how your family lived. How they related to the issue of money. Some people grow up poor, and right from the start they learn that money is scarce, it’s hard to make money, and it’s even more difficult to save money. Many people who grow up in this type of environment, even when they get special opportunities later in life, can’t adjust and reconfigure their self-definition as someone who has money, someone who is gifted and deserves professional and financial abundance. Why? Because their unconscious, deeply embedded belief about money runs the show and dooms them to never save money so they actually end up poor, repeating how they grew up.
Judith:
For example, when someone is the first person in their family to go to college, they often experience what has been called “breakaway guilt” – even when their family is overtly supportive of their achievement. They feel split between two worlds. The powerful unconscious allegiance is to their family of origin in which neither parent nor any other relative ever went to college. On the other hand, their conscious mind is committed to bettering themselves, often bettering their parents later lives as well. Nevertheless, understandably they struggle. And the drop-out rate is far greater than for students who were raised by college educated parents.
Jim:
How do you relate to this type of challenge – where what you consciously want for yourself is an expression of more success in the world than how you were raised? Think about it. Perhaps you had parents who fought and struggled when you were young, eventually getting divorced. And now you want a much better relationship than that. Yet – do you keep meeting people who aren’t appropriate for what you want? That’s the result of Unconscious Allegiance.
Judith:
We talk a lot about Leaving Home. And by that we don’t mean you have to move across country or never speak to your parents again. That’s not the point. What we’re underscoring with the term Leaving Home is the need to move away from the beliefs that you grew up with that no longer serve you. To move away from loyalties that hold you back from your rightful life. And yes, in some cases, it does mean you have to distance yourself from relatives who are making demands that require you to abandon the life you are building for yourself.
Jim:
Certainly, with the issue of people who are the first of their family to go to college, it’s important to have permission to Leave Home and set out on a new lifestyle than anyone else in the family. Because far too often, as we’ve said, if you can’t leave home and give yourself the freedom to have your own rightful life, you start recreating your history in lots of unconscious ways.
Judith:
For example, do you find yourself working for people who remind you of an abusive parent or grandparent—over and over—no matter how much you consciously try to find a positive work environment?
Jim:
And, if you have trouble with money—think about how money was handled in your family. One person we know can easily make money, but just like her mother, she spends, spends, spends and never can save.
Judith:
Alright, we’ve given you a taste of the terms we use to address the key issues that pertain to The Fear of Being Fabulous—and you’ve got lots to chew on!
Jim:
And – here are the Terms we use once again – Fabulous, Holdbacks, Allegiances, Forbiddances, The Love Grip, Leaving Home, and the Unconscious.
Judith:
We’re going to do a future podcast on the issue of FEAR. So watch for it!
Jim:
And with that, we wish you much progress in Overcoming The Fear of Being Fabulous- and look forward to the next time!
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