Are you allowed to outshine your parents and/or siblings?
Many people are held back by worry that if they succeed according to their own desires and ambitions they will feel guilty. But – guilty of what? Guilty for outshining everyone else in their family. Guilty for going after things their family may not approve of. Guilty. What about you? What have you felt guilty about?
What do you feel guilty about right now? Moving away from your family’s long time city or town? Dating or marrying outside your family’s race, religion, or any other approved of category? Making more money than anyone in your family ever even thought about? Succeeding in a career your family thinks is corrupt or even evil? There are plenty of other categories of course.
So today Judith & Jim ask and explore with you this key question …
Ep.139 ~ Are You Allowed to Outshine Your Parents and Siblings? ~ TRANSCRIPT
Jim:
Many people are held back by worry that if they succeed according to their own desires and ambitions, they’ll feel guilty. Guilty of what?
Judith:
Guilty of outdoing their parents and/or siblings. Guilty for outshining everyone else in their family. Guilty for going after things their family may not approve of. Guilty.
Jim:
What about you? What have you felt guilty about? What do you feel guilty about right now?
Judith:
Moving away from your family’s long-time city or town? Dating or marrying outside your family’s race, religion, or any other approved of category? Making more money than anyone in your family ever even thought about? Succeeding in a career your family thinks is corrupt or even evil?
Jim:
There are plenty of other categories of course –
So our question for you today is “Are you allowed to outshine your parents and/or siblings?
Hi I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Judith:
And we welcome you to another segment in our “Overcoming the Fear of Being Fabulous” Podcast series.
Jim:
Today we’re going to navigate through delicate and often uncharted territory. The Forbiddance of actually Leaving Home in order to attain the life you actually want to live—separate and unique from how you were raised, and how your family thinks you should live.
Judith:
Many people we’ve worked with over the years have felt guilty for outshining their parents—especially when one or both parents had never gone to college or had a seriously successful career. Their mothers may have never earned a pay check. Perhaps like Jim’s parents they struggled to cover the cost of special schooling for their children.
Jim:
Sometimes the issue has been a sibling who was born with a mental or physical limitation or both. Or perhaps you are far more intelligent than any of your cousins. Or your athletic skills allowed you to get a college scholarship when your siblings had to work every summer.
Judith:
Guilt can come in many forms. And when allowed to dominate your feelings and your thinking—it can be allowed to deprive you of internal permission to live your own life on your own terms. When that happens, then you have to struggle with some form of The Fear of Being Fabulous.
Jim:
Another element of this issue can arise if you feel you must take care of your parents or siblings. In other words, rather than being able to invest in your own future, you feel you must send your money to others in your family who’ve not been able to achieve the success you enjoy.
Judith:
While we understand that sometimes this is a very real need, we also know that very often guilt is playing a major role in the feeling that triggers obligation when parental or sibling need isn’t actually the issue.
Jim:
While it’s wonderful if you can share your abundance in ways that can please everyone involved, we are addressing the issue of guilt—because when it’s in charge of how you live, then it will get in the way of a robustly abundant life. Guilt is like an emotional cancer that can eat away at your impulse to Overcome the Fear of Being Fabulous. And that’s what we hope you want for yourself.
Judith:
So please take inventory right now. For some of you, you may be free and clear. You don’t feel you owe anyone anything, and you are comfortable taking care of yourself and your future. But what about these situations:
Jim:
When the check comes for lunch with a friend or colleague or relative, do you make sure to split it OR do you reach for it a lot of the time and pick up the tab for everyone?
Judith:
When driving to a business meeting of some distance, or a vacation, and you’re being accompanied by a friend or several other people—who pays for the gas? The parking? The valet tip?
Jim:
Or do you avoid these types of situations altogether, fearful of how to handle the financial issues without seeming tight fisted, overly responsible, or maybe even a show off? These are seemingly minor challenges in life. But how you respond to them can help you come to terms with how well you are living in your own success without feeling guilty or needing to deny your own excellence and ambition. By the way, do any other tricky situations come to mind where you notice you’re struggling with how to handle your abundance?
Judith:
Maybe you refrain from hiring someone to clean where you live for fear you will be seen by your friends as lazy or pretentious or you’ll feel guilty for making so much more than the cleaning person.
Jim:
Maybe you hesitate to have others over for dinner for fear you’ll make them uncomfortable by being in your lovely, well decorated space.
Judith:
Maybe, when you eat out with colleagues or family members, you refrain from ordering what you really want because it’s really expensive, and instead you choose a basic hamburger or some other lower cost item, concerned that you’ll be seen as showing off if you go with what you really want.
Jim:
Okay—we’ve made our point. Now it’s up to you to keep an eye on your judgments, on your assumptions, on your concerns about others—rather than taking care of yourself, your desires, and your future.
Judith:
And we want to be absolutely clear, there ARE situations where it’s important to be sensitive to the needs of others, to be sure. And we congratulate you when you can be a provider who helps out in those legitimate situations. We do that too. But that’s not what we are referring to here.
Jim:
Our concern today is when you hold yourself back because you’re putting other people’s feelings ahead of your own well-being. Period.
Judith:
That’s what you’ll learn more about when you read our book “What Really Killed Whitney Houston”—available on Amazon. And with that…
we look forward to the next time!
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