Are you more comfortable being nice or being honest??
How often do you feel you have to be “nice” rather than honest?
So often people short change the other person and themselves by reducing their feedback, whether at work or in their personal lives, to “being nice”, when they could provide valuable communication if they were simply, and respectfully honest.
Why would you avoid telling the truth, in favor of being “nice”?
Most people say it’s because they are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. But think about it this way — as the Dean of my graduate school once said, “Nice folks leave a wake of destruction in their path.”
So make sure to listen as we unpack that bit of true wisdom!
Ep.152 ~ Being Nice Versus Honest ~ TRANSCRIPT
Jim:
How often do you feel you have to be “nice” rather than honest?
Judith:
So often people short-change the other person and themselves by reducing their feedback—whether at work or in their personal lives—to “being nice”, when they could provide valuable communication if they were simply, and respectfully honest.
Jim:
Why would you avoid telling the truth, in favor of being “nice”? Most people say it’s because they are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.
Judith:
But think about it this way—as the Dean of my graduate school once said, “Nice folks leave a wake of destruction in their path.”
Jim:
Keep listening as we unpack that bit of true wisdom!
Hi, I’m Judith Sherven and I’m Jim Sniechowski
Today we’re taking apart that old adage that “it’s better to be nice than to be honest.”
Judith:
And what we want you to consider is that telling your truth — in other words, “being honest”— can be the kindest thing you can provide for someone. Particularly if that person has asked for your opinion.
Jim:
So back to that piece of wisdom, “Nice guys leave a wake of destruction in their path.” Why? Because every time someone opts for “being nice” rather than being honest, they can be allowing people to continue on as they are.
Judith:
Or not get constructive critique in the workplace, or socially not be able to get input on how to behave differently when dating, or even things as mundane as getting feedback on their new haircut or how a lamp fixture was installed.
Jim:
And even far worse, they will put up with being treated disrespectfully, or even verbally and/or physically abused; all in the name of “being nice” and not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings.
Judith:
Think about it. When someone is the object of domestic violence, it’s highly unlikely that they were physically abused on the first date.
Jim:
But if someone is feeling insecure about who they are, what value they actually bring, then it’s easy to put up with rude, uncaring behavior, writing it off as “oh he’s just insecure” or “she’s just trying to act tough” and then cop out on drawing a boundary and stopping the bad behavior. And instead just goes along to get along.
Judith:
Now, that’s at the extreme, so let’s now look at much simpler examples. Say when a friend asks for your honest opinion about the email they’re planning to send requesting a job interview. Or he or she asks what you think about a new haircut.
Jim:
Or they want your opinion of a new person they’re dating that you met last night — or anything.
Judith:
And in each of the examples Jim just gave, there’s room to be helpful, or you can cop-out and be “nice.” If you’re nice you’ll short-change your friend. If you’re honest, you’ll say what you actually believe. So your feedback about the employment email might include critique about incorrect punctuation and the suggestion that they add the reason they are seeking a new job.
Jim:
With regard to the new haircut; to be kind and honest, you would need to say that you find the bangs ill-suited to the person’s face and unless they are in love with the haircut themselves, you’ll suggest they let the bangs grow out and go to a different hair stylist next time.
Judith:
And if asked about the new person your friend is dating, by all means say that you really enjoyed him or her – AND why – if that’s the truth. If you have reservations, then think about it — is it kind or right to sugar coat it and be nice? We don’t think so. And helps your friend not at all.
Jim:
So if telling people the truth is an underdeveloped character muscle, make a vow that you’ll no longer cheat your friends and others and mostly you’ll stop cheating yourself, by not being honest!
Judith:
Yes, we’re talking about you growing your character to include a larger sense of honesty and sincere helpfulness to others.
Jim:
Think how this will add to your sense of self. Your sense of being mature, a grown-up!
Judith:
Now, if you’re feeling uncertain about what we’re suggesting, particularly if you were raised to believe “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” – then you’ll need to move gradually toward a new understanding of what it costs others and yourself when you are only nice, which means sometimes not telling the truth.
Jim:
Because you will now be looking at breaking an allegiance to where you came from, as well as re-arranging how you see yourself in relationships and in the world.
Judith:
Now we know this is a lot to change all of a sudden. So please understand that as you commit to owning more of who you really are, there will be hesitations, slip-backs, self-doubt – you name it. That’s to be expected.
Jim:
Because you are now consciously deciding to break away from what you’ve been raised to believe – and determine your own values and your own ways of being in the world – on your own terms.
Judith:
Now being more truly who you are – this will create a more substantial you out in the world! So you can expect people to react a bit differently to who you are allowing yourself to be.
Jim:
If you haven’t yet watched our free 3-minute video “You Are A Miracle” – now’s the time! It will reinforce the need to be more fully, honestly you!
Judith:
Just go to our website OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com
and scroll down to the bottom of the page and you’ll see the option to watch the video — and as Jim said — it’s Free!
Jim:
It’s our way of confirming that who you are—who you truly are—is very much worth bringing forward into the world, far more fully!
Judith:
Yes! Be honest about who you are — fabulous you — different from anyone and everyone else! And if that’s difficult for you, give yourself the gift of our downloadable MP3 and Transcript personal workshop “Overcoming The Fear Of Being Fabulous” — just go to https://OvercomingTheFearOfBeingFabulous.com/workshop
Jim:
And with that—we’ll see you next time.
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